Now this feeling of utter selfness eluded me for days. …i slowly turned my head until our lips were locked. (oh geez, chills) Now i looked at her with interest upon one of her eyes but before i knew what i was thinking, there was this strange feeling that struck the both of us, only this time i realised we were kissing. My whole body was out of my reach and this feeling, so inexplicable was running through my veins, the big vein too, ha…
But everything suddenly became calm.The kissing had ceased. (eventualy) What i hadn’t realised was that while i trying to figure out how i lost control of my body, i forgot to put into consideration what my body had done without my control. There was no time for talk as i turned to examine my defenses. I thought my shields were up from the waist down, seems the cold weather had initiated a sequence for operation pants down. Pity, didn’t suit my genious. Still cant find a reasonable explanation for that. So i will leave you guessing. Now i would love to tell you that we had sex in that classroom but then again, where would your imagination be right now? Oh and no, there was no sex you perverts. Go masturbate or something.
My reality had been distorted and for some reason my life regained purpose. Its like i had a new cause for living, i swear! Later that week i went to church, Don’t laugh!
I like to think of myself as a total disaster of a person. I actualy messed up the one thing am ever going to be proud for in my entire life, congs Marvin, you are such a screw up. Lets just say love wasnt my kind of thing, yet i still craved it. I lived in dreams and was better pleased by the sophistical reasons and frauds of wits in great and uncertain things than those reasons which were certain and natural, and not so far above us. I feel like a fool not having grasped the love aspect. The only possible explanation for making up after breaking up on various occasions was my tendency of re uniting with her in order to escape my imperfections. But look at me now, living and shit. Well i just hope that she understands that in my very confused way, i loved her back then.
After that day, i found it hard to adjust, my life story had now entered a whole new dimension of wierd. Thoughts about her invaded my space wordlessly, (which is why i avoid being emotional) pinged at my radar and watched as operation self destruct went into full mode. I watched helplessly as the soberer part of me fought to assert its control. See, what i feel for her isn’t love… I love my mother, my feelings for her are much greater. She is the one person who seems to understand me and my whole universe rotates around her. Loving you bright eyes wouldnt have been so difficult, But thinking that i didn’t deserve what you had given me or give you back half as much care and God knows what else you had aimed in my direction killed me. (though am quite rather a hard target to hit. I mean ‘pothead’ on rampage and shit)
I had a tendency of supressing my thoughts by deliberately distorting my perceptions to make my reality more palatable. Thats why i never wanted to get intimate. I’m not a fan of obsessions. This unreasonably strong interest in you that i can hardly think of anything else will have to kill me some day. Though i wouldn’t mind and i still term it as a death worth living. Sometimes when emotions run deep, you might think you are in love. Which confuses me since we weren’t emotionally attarched before that. I actualy do love her, now that i think about it, more than i even think i do. I wrote a poem. You can write it to your girlfriend if you want, its not copyright protected… Yet!
“I enjoy looking at your face Bright eyes, if only you could let me. My heart rests in pieces when am not with you. Everytime i’m away, i get lonely, like no one else matters. I feel extra stupid admiting admiting having hopelesly fallen in love with you. Don’t ever leave me, you are all i have accomplished in life.”
Too bad she never got to read this. And by the way, i thank you for melting my cold heart, believe me when i say that you will forever value.
But this was and still is one part of the story and a few statements will have to be revorked. I’m sorry. Her side was quite the horror in Saw. She never trusted me, (debatable) and wasn’t ready to give up anything for me. (realistic) To her, i was more of an afterthought, a character she created to feed her ego. (overated) and at the very least, interchangeable. (proven)
I was ready to give up everything for her, my life too if she needed it. She broke up with me (i’ve moved on, kinda) twice in three days… its complicated.
I can not believe these words are about to come out of my mouth, so i’d rather doubt it… This that is to follow is not real…
“I can see that its the letting go of all the anger, self loving hatred that comes with total and complete failure. I may be the one taking the beating Marvin, but you’ve already been beaten…
To be continued.